4th Zoledronate Treatment…trying to have hope

4/2/16

Today was Jackson’s 4th Zoledronate treatment we had decided to do at least one more treatment in hopes that it would help him regain some of his strength back & help him with pain reduction. Over the past week or so leading up to today his limping has seemed to worsen, so I am trying to be hopeful. He was such a good boy letting Dr S. do the IV catheter because the vet tech had left her glasses at home. Steve came with us & helped Jackson remain calm through the procedure which was great. He was a lot more vocal today yawning & giving us lots of TRex sounds. It was decided with Dr S. that we would see how he does the next week or so & decide whether or not to do another treatment. I think it will be his last treatment as we are most certain that the treatment isn’t in fact building bone mass in his bones but in fact it’s the cancer building upon itself. He discussed radiation as being an option for pain control, but honestly I’m not sure I want to put Jackson through any more distress.

So we wait with anticipation of the outcome of the treatment & see if it helps in bringing him any comfort.

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Reflections from the past 6 months…

4/2/2016

In the wee hours of the morning I’m awaken by Jackson needing to go outside to the bathroom (that’s the last time I don’t bring him out before going to bed).  Today marks’s the next phase for Jackson & us on this journey through cancer. I often thought of each part of this process as beign the most difficult time but in retrospect you realize that each phase builds upon the next, not knowing exactly when the end is near, but knowing it always lives close by.

I guess this is a lot like life, each of our experiences building on the next growing, learning, changing, challenging ourselves as humans in this world. For many of us this journey takes years for others it’s short lived. Either way the life expectancy of animals is a lot less in human years than most of us would like to experience. I’ve always known that a dog’s life is measured in dog years 7 human years = 1 dog year. Who came up with this calculation? Why can’t dogs live as long as humans?

In this last 6 months I’ve been much more present to the fact that a dog’s life is measured in the moments!  The chasing of a ball, the smell of a scent in the air, the nuzzling into the hand of their owner for a scratch behind the ear.  All these moments build on the next to create passages of time.   It’s this sort of singular time that if we just stop the busyness of our lives we can experience too. The funny thing is I’ve known this my whole life having grown up with dogs they have taught me so much about life. The lessons are abound; being in the moment, unconditional love, being an active listener, smelling life’s miracles, being active outside going for walks & swimming in the ocean, finding joy in the simple things & it’s always better to be part of a pack.

For some reason though we forget sometimes the true nature of the animal spirit that their souls live on in us long after they are gone from this earthly place.

I have experienced an array of emotions throughout this process with Jacskon, at times trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario & at other times trying to live in the moment & fill our life with the simple joys.  It’s been a roller coaster for sure but I wouldn’t have changed a thing about the decisions we’ve made & the steps we’ve taken.  Our furry friends teach us so much if we just stop to listen to them, so we continue on one moment at a time, breathing, yawning and listening in the silence.  Remembering silence speaks when words cannot.

The next phase…after the X-ray

3/24/16

Today I took Jackson to my vet to check-in & see what she thought about Jackson’s right leg.  We haven’t seen her since January so I thought it was time to pay a visit & get her opinion.  I wanted to see if we could X-ray his leg, but I didn’t want to put him under to do it as I know that would cause him more stress.  Dr. K. has been great through this whole process & she has a way of putting things into perspective.  She took a look at the growth that has started to grow on Jackson’s outer right leg & agreed it was time to take a look.  In the last month or so the area in question would go from being swollen, to what seemed like nothing there at all.  In fact I thought & hoped it was inflammation of his joint, even though I knew this was the same leg in November that Dr S. had seen signs of more cancer.  I told her I would go into the X-ray room with him if this would prevent him from having to be sedated & she agreed that would be ok.  So I went with Jackson & got him situated on the table & then I quickly left the room while Dr K snapped the picture with a tech and then it was done.  In the next couple of moments while the X-ray images came up I waited with anticipation for what we would see on the films.

She identified that the right femur bone looked like it had moth balls in it, in fact its the cancer doing what it does best, eating away at the bone.  To the left of the bone though it looked like new bone growth & I wondered is this what we were seeing by the growth on outer part of his leg.  Her first thought is maybe this is the bone regrowing with the help of the Zoldronate, my hope indeed!  So the next step was to send the images off to Dr S. the oncologist to see if he confered with her hunch.

Later that evening…

After getting an email response from Dr S. I’m saddened to say he doesn’t think the new bone growth is from the Zoledronate treatment. Unfortunately He confirmed that their is definitely progression of the cancer, but the leg doesn’t look like it is fractured, which is good.  “The new bone growth is probably from the tumor itself, which can be both destructive & proliferative (it can eat up bone & lay down new bone where it shouldn’t be).”   This was the news I definitely didn’t want to hear, so we keep moving on one day at a time!

 

6 Month Ampuversary…feeling blessed!

3/21/16

Today is my 6 month Ampuversary as Maw would say & I’m still hopping strong.  I continue to defy what the vets thought as far as my time & I’m living each day with Maw & Steve’s help to the fullest.  My days are filled with the simple joys of sitting in the sun & smelling all that surrounds me & being with Maw of course is my favorite.  In the morning if it’s nice out Maw lets me outside to be by myself  & lay on the lawn to survey my turf & chew my sticks I’ve pulled out of the woods. image
I love taking in all the smells, especially the smells of spring, birds chirping, squirrels running all about & feeling the warm rays of sun on my fur, it’s amazing in everyway!  Maw’s been spoiling me a lot too bringing breakfast & sometimes dinner out to me so I can continue to sit in my glory.  Then most days Maw puts my harness on & helps me in the back of the car & off to work we go.  I love my routine she helps me up the stairs at the store & I lay on my comfy therapeutic bed dreaming of swimming in the ocean & chasing squirrels.  I’m getting a little more uncomfortable at times because of the pain so I have to keep maneuvering myself on the bed & sometimes I find the hard floor feels good too.  However, when Maw leaves I get unsettled, so I get up & go searching for her out of her office & into the main office usually plopping myself behind Jane’s chair so she knows I’m there.   Lately I’ve been a little more daring, at times trying to go up the stairs by myself without Maw but she’s always there to remind me that I shouldn’t & can’t because I might hurt myself.

I’ve been much more vocal too, Maw, Steve & Jake call me T-Rex because when I yawn I make these long drawn out sounds telling them I’m tired or in pain but always reminding them I’m here!

Yesterday I got really unsettled as Maw got in the car & drove off with Grandpa & Nana, I starred her down with my eyes hoping she’d see that I didn’t want her to leave but she didn’t get it. Instead Steve tried to distract me but it didn’t work I followed the car all the way down the street & stalled when he tried to get me to go back in the house.  I overheard something about Grandpa going in for surgery, but it didn’t matter I was going to miss Maw very much.  Then tonight she made it all better & came home I started crying & whining trying to tell her that I missed her.  She came right over & rubbed my neck & ears (even before hugging Steve) & whispered in my ear that she was sorry she had to leave but she had to take care of Grandpa.  I was so glad Grandpa was alright & now my ampuversary day was complete Maw was home I was happy again & feeling so blessed to have such wonderful humans in my pawlife!

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3rd Zoledronate Treatment…life gets better

3/5/16

Jackson had his 3rd Zoledronate IV treatment today and boy is he speaking to me loud and clear. In my last post I was having one of those periods in time when things looked bleak and life was uncertain and it was hard to keep the faith.  As I stated I had been talking to Jackson to show me he’s ok and by God he’s telling me everyday that  he’s just fine.  The week leading up to today he slowly began to turn a corner, seeming to get stronger walking at times on his bad right front leg more and having lots more energy. He’s been wanting to sit out in the yard morning, noon and night if he could, taking all the sights and sounds in and back to his old antics of not wanting to come inside.  He loves chewing his sticks and doing one of what I call the “Happy Dog Dance”, rolling on his back, all 3 legs flailing overhead.  He’s been showing me everyday “Maw we can do this, I’m doing this and don’t give up on me” or this process.  So we plunge forward taking all these days as little miracles from heaven and living…really living…rather than being stuck in the dreadful fear of the unknown and the thought of dying.

Today, I can sense Jackson is apprehensive like he always is as we wait in the room for the technician to come in with Dr. S. to check him out.  We brought Steve with us who always has a calming presence for all, he’s my “Rock” and today I think Jackson feels the same. He sat behind him with his leg across his chest supporting him, yet also making sure Jackson didn’t move when they were putting the IV in or during treatment.  We spoke with Dr. S about our apprehension with him losing muscle mass in his right front leg and not knowing if the treatments are working.  We could always take another x-ray to see if there’s bone growth in the bad leg, but we both decide that this isn’t the best for Jackson as his previous x-rays have really caused a lot of stress on him and pain setting him back days.  Dr. S. proceeds to tell us that we will gain a sense of how he’s doing from his actions on a daily basis.  So we decide that since there continues to be no negative side effects to the Zoledronate we’ll keep moving forward.
Since the last visit they’ve allowed me to stay in the room with him while they put the IV in and administer the medication as this isn’t chemo and not harmful to me.  The tech attempts to put the IV in his bad leg (wanting to switch each treatment from leg to leg), but not today it’s the 2nd time I’ve seen Jackson act aggressive because of the pain. He swung his head around so quickly with teeth barred at her ready to lunge forward, so nope that wouldn’t be the leg she would use today.  The other leg was much easier and she made a note in his chart to always use the good leg from now on.  The IV takes about  15 min. so we settle Jackson in on the comforter on the floor and Steve hold onto him with his leg.  This gesture alone I think calms Jackson because instead of his usually panting and restlessness he seems a little more settled and the tech notices as well.  I think I’ll be bringing Steve more often to our appointments as I’m sure Jackson is picking up on my anxiety for sure.

The rest of the day is uneventful and we head home bathing Jackson in treats, kisses, hugs and lots of loving.  When we get home he goes right for his sticks and settles on top the hill enjoying the rest of the day in the sun! These are the dog days for sure and we are living them to the fullest!

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Jackson getting his 3rd Zoledronate IV treatment

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