5/1/16
Dear Angel Jackson,
Words cannot fully express the magnitude of sorrow I’ve felt these past couple of weeks without you in my world & on this earth. I will & am forever grateful for the signs that you have given me to let me know you’re OK I know they are direct messages from you and your love from above. Thank you Jackson for showing me the true essence of “being”. I miss your soft velvety ears and the ability to scratch behind them and rub your belly, its this type of affection that is so hard to describe to someone who’s never experienced this kind of connection with an animal or a soulful being. It’s real it’s tangible you where here, but now you’re not and I have to take comfort in the signs you continue to share with me. It’s these signs that will continue to bring me comfort in my time of sorrow for the next couple of days to months & years ahead. This feeling deep inside is all encompassing but I don’t want it to rule my life and make it impossible to move on, I know you wouldn’t want that for me. Its a heaviness of sorts that descends on my chest as the tears continue to flow. I feel numb at times having trouble enjoying the things around me, but knowing this wouldn’t make you happy to see me this way. I keep looking back at all the wonderful photos and videos I took of you in your favorite spots at the beach, swimming in the ocean & pond, sitting on the hill like a Sphinx, romping through the snow, chewing your sticks & chasing your frisbee. All these moments collectively bring a smile across my face because I know they are acts of pure JOY! This is what I need to feel again myself but it’s so hard without you here, something is missing and it’s YOU! I continue to be amazed at the times that I stop to look, breathe and see the beauty and the animals that you’ve sent into my life to ease the sorrow and bring me back to this “joy of being”.
Like the day when I went to Nonni and Granpa’s to stop by and say hello and next to their garage were two female turkeys and one male turkey who came walking from the garden where you are buried. He continued to strut around the house to the other side, so I could show my Mom from the window above. My first thought was Jackson wouldn’t come back as a turkey he didn’t like those birds, but then I thought maybe this was you as spirit.
My mother and I were amazed because the turkey was very purposeful in his movements, looking right up at us & making eye contact twice.
Then the turkey proceeded to strut to the back of the lawn & within seconds the 2 females took flight across the pond & the other turkey (you) took its time & then took a running jump to soar his wings, stretched out wide to fly to the other side of the pond. My mom and I were truly amazed we had never seen turkeys in the yard before EVER and we both had never seen them fly, it was truly a magical experience.
Then the other evening at sunset I took a walk down to the beach at Nelson Park where we use to walk and contemplated life. I walked the beach, smelled the salt air and said a couple of times give me something/send me something that is rare a piece of blue Seaglass shaped as a heart or a rock from above, tell me that you’re here with me Jackson.
I settled on an area of the beach that we had never walked before & took several photos of old wood pilings in the sand. They were majestic and artful and it got my excitement going again for taking photography I felt joy and peace and a calm came over me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
As I walked my gaze kept drifting to the sand below my feet searching & searching. I found beautiful brown, clear & green pieces of seaglass, then my eyes took me to a piece of purple seaglass with large ruffles on the edges just sitting in the sand waiting for me. Truly magnificent & yes oh so thankful for this was the message, the token of love from, above & it wasn’t till later when a friend said to me that it looks like a crown, from “King Jacskon” Of course!
As I continued to walk back toward the car I noticed that four Mallard ducks had been following me the entire walk down the beach & back bobbing in and out of the water and at one point coming up on the sandbar and cleaning themselves. As the sun continued to set the magnificent colors of purple, pink, orange & yellow just melted into the horizon and reflected into the sandbar creating a mirror of beauty. All the while the ducks began to waddle back into the water & of course I took photos of them, knowing that this was just another sign from you.
I know your spirit is guiding me to be gentle with myself and allow myself to grieve and remind me not to get stuck in the sorrow, but to open my eyes to the beauty that surrounds me and keep my eyes wide open to your messages of love, hope, peace and joy. I am forever grateful of our animal/ human connection Jackson and I promise to keep looking, searching and talking to you. I know that you are happy & at peace, running free & watching over me. I will continue to live fully in the moment honoring you in everything I do.
Love Forever Maw
