11/20/15
Today is Jackson’s 3rd Chemo treatment and it is supposed to be like any other day of the week. Life as we know it has continued to be uneventful for the past month since he’s been tolerating his chemo treatment. Jackson continues to do pawtastic chasing squirrels, going to work with me and living like a happy dog. However, yesterday when he got up he did a “Bambi” on the hardwood floors, all 3 legs spread eagle on the floor. I quickly picked him up and put on his harness so I could help him get outside and now it has been difficult for him to walk on his right front leg and to be non-weight bearing on his only leg seems almost impossible. Is it arthritis or muscle soreness? I am worried and concerned about what it could be?
When Dr. S. checked his leg last month (after his swim and probably overexertion) he thought it was muscular and not bone related so we put him back on Rovera (NSAID) and it seemed to help. A couple of days later he was back to himself, bounding up stairs, having lots of energy, he seemed happier than he’s ever been, so why now? He didn’t do anything stressful this week to aggravate his leg, other than maybe jumping out of the van without me knowing (aha maybe it was this movement)?
We went to our apptointment as normal and I told Dr. S. about what Jackson had experienced the past couple of days and how I worried I was about what it could be. He did a physical exam of Jackson and we decided as a precaution we should do an x-ray to rule out anything before proceeding with the chemo treatment today and to quiet my fears. We waited quite awhile for radiology to come get him, so I decided to do Reiki on his shoulder and try to comfort him and calm him down as Jackson began to become very vocal with me. I’ve never heard him cry and whine like he did and talk to me while he was yawning. I know he was trying to tell me he was in a lot of pain and scared and it was heart wrenching for me to see and hear him this way. The wait felt like eternity!
So they finally whisked Jackson off to get the x-ray and the waiting continues, I’m like a nervous mother in the waiting room, going outside to walk in the sun anything to keep my mind off from thinking the worst. I am thankful they have a radiologist on staff who will be able to read the x-rays right away.
Then they call me back in, Jackson’s laying on his comforter very sleepy as they had to give him some doggie Valium to relax him while taking the x-ray. As I listen to Dr. S and Amanda in what feels like a slo-mo movie tell me that Jackson has another bone lesion on in his right front shoulder, What you’ve got to be kidding me?? We had this!! He was doing so well…This can’t be true as I can’t fight back the tears that roll down my cheeks. The rest feels like a blurr and a bad nightmare.
The Dr. proceeds to tell me that Jackson appears to have developed a metastatic bone lesion in his right proximal humerus based on the x-rays taken today. The means that the cancer has progressed despite chemotherapy, but I thought Bone Cancer wasn’t supposed to spread from bone to bone?? Once again he uses the phrase “this doesn’t look like typical Osteosarcoma”, what’s that supposed to mean?!! He continues to discuss several palliative options including pamidronate, radiation therapy and pain meds to make him feel comfortable. With palliative treatments the average survival time is usually 3-6months, although combinations may provide longer benefit. It all sounds like mush swirling in my brain as I try to control my crying and the negative thoughts that keep invading my mind about what’s to come! I asked the question, if Jackson was your dog what would you do? He replies “I would do everything in my power to keep him as comfortable as possible, perhaps radiation, so that he could resume some quality of life.”
Amanda follows me out to the check-out area and sits with me comforting me with her kind words, lots of questions begin spiraling through my mind. How am I going to get him in/out of the van if he can’t help me? How is he going to come to work with me and walk up the stairs? She adds her two cents, “If this was my dog I would do whatever I could to provide him pain relief and if he can come back to work with you then even better.” I know now it’s about pain management and maintaining some quality of life for Jackson, but what does that mean and what will that look like? We get him into the van and they send me off telling me to give him some of the leftover Tramadol from his surgery to help with the pain.
It is the longest hour ride home as I sob back tears thinking of the inevitable decision I might have to make, it’s 5 days before my birthday and Thanksgiving I need to take it one day a time. Breath Andrea, Breathe! I whisper into Jackson’s ear we’re going to fight this buddy don’t give up, I’m not giving up on you now!
