The spirit is strong, but the body is weak…

2/24/16

I’m trying to continue to be strong and positive, however in the last month it is getting harder for me remain this way the more I see Jackson become weak in his legs.   I question if the Zoledronate is working and I can’t seem to get clear answers from our oncologist re: outcome measures, except that we’ll see improvement in his pain management.  He’s supposed to get his 3rd IV next Saturday and I’m questioning whether or not to proceed with this course of treatment.  What’s the alternative’s? – Nothing at this point.

His right front leg which is supposedly where the cancer has spread to is getting more lame by the day and it seems he’s lost a lot of muscle mass, making it hard for him to walk on it.  The leg almost appears lifeless at times and he seems to just use it to for balance when trying to walk on his 2 left legs.  Also, his only back leg is getting lame now too and at times seems to give out on him, so he just sits down and waits for me to help him up with his harness. Thank God for the harness, I don’t know what I would do without it, even though my lower back is definitely paying the price for helping Jackson in/out of the car and up/down the stairs it has been a godsend in this process. He seems to be tolerating the pain med’s which is good, but I wonder if they are enough and if he is in pain.  I know in the past he’s been a stoic boy not wanting me to see that he is in pain and I know the tell-tale signs of pain, but still I’m not convinced he’s in more pain.  Is this bad of me to try to convince myself otherwise?

I know I’m doing this for him (continuing forward with treatment options) and obviously for me too, but at what cost and at what point do I decide enough is enough?  My vet told me about a month ago when I thought the time had come that I would know…he’d stop eating and other bodily functions would stop working…so I know we aren’t there yet!  Jackson’s appetite is better now than before he had cancer and he’s alert sitting in the yard and chewing sticks all examples of living life.  However, most days are spent sleeping on his bed as he continues to adjust his posture and position throughout the day to get comfortable. I’m still bringing him to work most days and have to help him up/down the stairs, but he seems to enjoy being with me, next to me and just being.

How much is he continuing on for me?  I hate the idea of losing him and so I continue to have these thoughts a couple time a week and I continue to talk to him asking him to show me a sign that tells me he’s going to be ok and all of this is ok too.

 

Jackson’s 3rd Chemo treatment…like any other day?

11/20/15

Today is Jackson’s  3rd Chemo treatment and it is supposed to be like any other day of the week.  Life as we know it has continued to be uneventful for the past month since he’s been tolerating his chemo treatment.  Jackson continues to do pawtastic chasing squirrels, going to work with me and living like a happy dog.  However, yesterday when he got up he did a “Bambi” on the hardwood floors, all 3 legs spread eagle on the floor. I quickly picked him up and put on his harness so I could help him get outside and now it has been difficult for him to walk on his right front leg and to be non-weight bearing on his only leg seems almost impossible.  Is it arthritis or muscle soreness? I am worried and concerned about what it could be?

When Dr. S. checked his leg last month (after his swim and probably overexertion) he thought it was muscular and not bone related so we put him back on Rovera (NSAID) and it seemed to help.   A couple of days later he was back to himself, bounding up stairs, having lots of energy, he seemed happier than he’s ever been, so why now?  He didn’t do anything stressful this week to aggravate his leg, other than maybe jumping out of the van without me knowing (aha maybe it was this movement)?

We went to our apptointment as normal and I told Dr. S. about what Jackson had experienced the past couple of days and how I worried I was about what it could be. He did a physical exam of Jackson and we decided as a precaution we should do an x-ray to rule out anything before proceeding with the chemo treatment today and to quiet my fears.  We waited quite awhile for radiology to come get him, so I decided to do Reiki on his shoulder and try to comfort him and calm him down as Jackson began to become very vocal with me. I’ve never heard him cry and whine like he did and talk to me while he was yawning.  I know he was trying to tell me he was in a lot of pain and scared and it was heart wrenching for me to see and hear him this way. The wait felt like eternity!

So they finally whisked Jackson off to get the x-ray and the waiting continues, I’m like a nervous mother in the waiting room, going outside to walk in the sun anything to keep my mind off from thinking the worst.  I am thankful they have a radiologist on staff who will be able to read the x-rays right away.

Then they call me back in, Jackson’s laying on his comforter very sleepy as they had to give him some doggie Valium to relax him while taking the x-ray.   As I listen to Dr. S and Amanda in what feels like a slo-mo movie tell me that Jackson has another bone lesion on in his right front shoulder, What you’ve got to be kidding me??  We had this!!  He was doing so well…This can’t be true as I can’t fight back the tears that roll down my cheeks. The rest feels like a blurr and a bad nightmare.

The Dr. proceeds to tell me that Jackson appears to have developed a metastatic bone lesion in his right proximal humerus based on the x-rays taken today.   The means that the cancer has progressed despite chemotherapy, but I thought Bone Cancer wasn’t supposed to spread from bone to bone??  Once again he uses the phrase “this doesn’t look like typical Osteosarcoma”, what’s that supposed to mean?!!  He continues to discuss several palliative options including pamidronate, radiation therapy and pain meds to make him feel comfortable.  With palliative treatments the average survival time is usually 3-6months, although combinations may provide longer benefit.  It all sounds like mush swirling in my brain as I try to control my crying and the negative thoughts that keep invading my mind about what’s to come!  I asked the question, if Jackson was your dog what would you do? He replies “I would do everything in my power to keep him as comfortable as possible, perhaps radiation, so that he could resume some quality of life.”

Amanda follows me out to the check-out area and sits with me comforting me with her kind words, lots of questions begin spiraling through my mind. How am I going to get him in/out of the van if he can’t help me?  How is he going to come to work with me and walk up the stairs?  She adds her two cents, “If this was my dog I would do whatever I could to provide him pain relief  and if he can come back to work with you then even better.”   I know now it’s about pain management and maintaining some quality of life for Jackson, but what does that mean and what will that look like?  We get him into the van and they send me off telling me to give him some of the leftover Tramadol from his surgery to help with the pain.

It is the longest hour ride home as I sob back tears thinking of the inevitable decision I might have to make, it’s 5 days before my birthday and Thanksgiving I need to take it one day a time. Breath Andrea, Breathe! I whisper into Jackson’s ear we’re going to fight this buddy don’t give up, I’m not giving up on you now!

Jackson x-ray 11-20-15
Jackson x-ray 11-20-15

Jackson x-ray 11-20-15

 

Jackson x-ray 3 11-20-15

 

 

12 days Post Surgery…the things we didn’t know, but wish we did!

imageOur life as we knew it would change for the next couple of weeks…I felt like I was a new mommy with a baby/puppy needing attending every waking hour. I have always been so in sync with Jackson it’s a little scary, I could be in the deepest sleep and if I hear him I’ll wake up.  So this would be my life, I couldn’t sleep because every cry or movement of Jackson in the playpen in the other room I would wake and attend to his need’s whether it was to go outside to the bathroom or just some comforting. Steve on the other hand slept through it all, I suppose just like a Dad might with a new born, I wouldn’t hold it against him that’s for sure!

I kept telling myself “Life is unpredictable and uncertain, everything is interim and a path to prepare you for the next best thing”.  So there’s no way to predict what was to come after Jackson’s surgery (even if the vet had told me), I had to learn to live in it and this is exactly what we did!

Day 1 (9.24.15) – I tried to work from home in-between Jackson resting, but this was hard to do.  I took Jackson out for a short walk around the yard (as exercise was supposed to be very limited) and he seemed to enjoy it, anything to get out of the playpen. He still hadn’t gone to the bathroom, so this made me nervous but I told myself when he has to go he’ll go. I later found out that his inability to go was because of all the pain meds in the hospital and then the Tramadol we kept him on afterward at home.  In the evening he became restless again and couldn’t settle down panting and walking in circles. I woke at 2:30 am to a licking sound (it’s scary how in tune I am with him), sure enough he had somehow gotten his long giraffe like neck (remember he’s part greyhound) around the satellite size cone and  was licking his staples!! I could have killed him, but of course I just sighed knowing that he was just acting out of instinct trying to clean his wounds.  So warm and cold compress outside to pee and then back inside for some pain meds and then off to sleep.

Day 2 (9.25.15) – I woke early feeling exhausted with no sleep, How do new mother’s and father’s function? – I know no comparison to a week of this with your dog vs. years with a baby, but come on this is horrible. So 8am up again crying and restless, so I took him outside to pee (I soon discovered crying didn’t seem to mean pain, but that he needed to go outside) and still no bm, the pain meds were reeking havoc on his poor body. He remained unsettled circling his playpen, I tried cold and warm compresses, but no avial finally he settled after a Rimadyl and fell asleep. The day unfolded and was a good day overall. I took his cone off and he let me do warm and cold compresses while petting his belly, such a good boy letting maw take care of him and bring him back to health. While he slept I did Reiki on his belly trying to get his intestines and stomach to begin to flow and get him to further relax. It worked that evening on our walk outside he did a BM, I was so happy, it’s the little things in life right?  He was beginning to come out of the pain med slumber, his appetite was increasing and he was so excited wagging his tail and crying when Jake and Steve came home.  Yet like clockwork at 8pm he became restless again circling the playpen and wouldn’t settle down, so gave him more pain meds to help knock him out to sleep which only worked for about 6hours because in the wee hours of the am I was awakened once again.  He had worked himself all up trying to ram the cone (of which Steve had created a cone extension by using another cone so he couldn’t get around it & lick his staples) into the playpen to get it off and/or open the pen (smarty pants)!  I wish there was a homeopathic remedy to help him sleep or relax him like melatonin or something? So what does maw do take the extension off the cone and do some Reiki on him, so he would try to go to sleep.

Day 3 (9.26.15) – Woke at 5am this morning to Jackson crying and restless, once agian  I tried warm and cold compress and took his cone off to rub his very bruised belly and did Reiki on him to try to get him to relax  and it worked he settled done, so I could put the cone back on him and go back to bed myself.  His appetite still remains all out of whack and he won’t eat his normal dry food, so I’ve been feeding him his canned food (which was only used in the past as a treat) by hand, yep by hand! At first he was eating out of his bowl, but then stopped so I’ve been having to feed him by hand in order to get him to eat.  Thankfully he loves the cottage cheese we’ve been feeding him (did some research online and saw that Flax Seed Oil blended with cottage cheese was to help with cancer), so I’ve been just doing the cottage cheese for now not wanting to introduce to much this early because of his sensitive stomach issues that he’s had since a puppy.  Today we drove to the animal hospital to get Jackson’s plastic drain tube removed, pretty uneventful they pulled it out and stated the drain site might still produce for a couple of days but not to be alarmed.

I’m so exhausted feeling the stress of this wearing on me and feeling guilty for not being there for my Dad who is building his strength at home.

Day 4 (9.27.15) – Woke at 12:30am, 4:30am, 5am and 6am Jackson still very restless and not able to make it through the night and of course I’m so tuned into him I wake on his every move.  His drain in the midst of this all is still draining which is a good thing but has become a nuisance with it leaking everywhere when he moves in the playpen. We went and bought puppy training pads to put down underneath towels, towels and more towels and still the blood goes through.  Luckily Jackson’s bruising seems to be getting better turning from dark red to pinkish skin, all good signs of healing.  Steve woke up late in the night to give him his pain meds and then I woke again when he became unsettled, restless in the playpen again.  I ended up doing Reiki again on him and it seemed to help because he fell asleep. I heard him barking in the early morning but I was so flippin tired I couldn’t get up so fell back asleep.

Day 5 (9.28.15) – I stayed home from work again with Jackson still not able to head back to work because the drain is still producing blood, so not what I had expected being out of work almost a week and learning as we go along of how to cope with this all. Each day you could press PLAY Jackson waking me in wee hours of the am restless, unsettled cold/warm compress, do some Reiki try to calm and relax him, take him out to pee, feed him by hand then press REPEAT and do it all over again!

Day 6 (9.29.15) – This am I awoke to somewhat of a blood bath, Jackson has aggravated  the wound by circling his playpen and it has leaked out of the drain everywhere, lots of droplets of blood on the floor…ugh!   I stay home again cleaning up the mess and I end up taking him outside & sitting in the sun with him trying to find some peace and joy in this long journey.  He’s appears more alert to life, aware of the smells and sights around him and hopping around much better on 3 legs.  At 2pm I decide I need to go into work, luckily it’s only about 10min away so I leave for a couple of hours only to return after Steve has gotten home before me and I notice changes in the drain flow and pinkness around the drain site.  I ask him if he had cleaned Jackson’s drain he says “no”, sure enough Jackson has gotten his neck and mouth around the cone and licked the drain site and some of the suture area and it looks nice and clean. Ugh, Good job Jackson, let’s just hope no infection!

Day 7 (9.30.15 ) – This morning I decide to stay home and keep a watchful eye on Jackson after last nights antics.  Jake comes home after school and I scoot out to do some much needed errands and then head to work for a bit.  I call Dr. Bennett re: Jackson’s licking episode and she says to just monitor for signs of infection and that it is a good thing the drain is still producing because his body is healing.  She tells me to decrease the amount of pain meds as this may be what’s causing Jackson to be restless.  So I continue warm compresses to help the drain, along with belly scratches and Reiki to help heal his body and calm him.

Day 8 (10.1.15) – Jackson’s site is still draining and I continue to try to make Jackson feel comfortable I take him out for little spurts of sunshine to get some fresh air during the day. We have reduced Jackson’s pain meds and continue to give him his anti-inflammatory med. That night the typical restlessness accompanies him settling down to sleep.  Then somewhere around 1:30 am I awoke suddenly to the sound of licking again, oh no this isn’t possible! Sure enough I find Jackson has gotten his giraffe neck around the cone once again & has proceeded to pull out 3 staples. (He couldn’t wait 3 days until his staples were due to come out), instead he had to take it upon himself to speed things up.  I’m sure the fact that his hair was growing back in wasn’t helping either as it was probably itching between the staples.  I was so upset & worried at the same time as the incision wasn’t gushing blood but it was pink & raw & bleeding somewhat.  So I call the 24hr animal hospital where Jackson had his surgery & discovered there wasn’t much to do other than wait till am & drive him up first thing in the morning. So I find an old t-shirt and put it over his entire body (wish I thought of that sooner as if he reached beyond the cone he wasn’t going to be able to reach the incision).  So I decide to sleep next to him on the couch hoping he will fall back to sleep which he finally does, as I need to sleep too as my head is raging in pain with a headache.

Day 9 (10.2.15) – I wake early and drive the 45min ride to the animal hospital to see one of the attending vets, only to find out that he doesn’t want to re-staple Jackson’s opening as it has healed quite a bit already.  So he sends us home with some gauze’s soaked in anti-bacterial liquid and tells me to keep putting warm compresses on and cleaning the area he licked with this solution.  He takes a culture to rule out infection, so another $$ later we are back home in the playpen.  Ironically later that day it appears the drain has stopped draining, go figure!  At night we put the home-made cone extension (I’ve got to invent this) on Jackson, he hates it but we have to do it, so we can all sleep easy that night.

Day 10 (10.3.15) – Still no bleeding from the drain site, it seems almost impossible but true and his suture area appears to be healing looking a healthy pink and no sign of infection.   So 75 disposable gloves, 60 puppy training pads and 9 loads of laundry later the bleeding has stopped!!!   The playpen is disassembled and no longer and Jackson is resting in his crate with his cone on.   Later that night Steve and I go to a friends wedding and leave Jackson with our neighbor, what a relief it is to have a night off to ourselves.

Day 11 (10-4-15) – A day of relief, Jackson went out for a walk and sat on the lawn in the sun enjoying the sounds of nature and being a dog for once. The drain site hasn’t produced anymore sign of blood, it is finally over.

Day 12 (10-5-15 – We drive to the animal hospital to have Jackson’s staples removed all 30 of them, less the 3 he already pulled out. My friend Judy takes the ride with me to be my moral support, she hasn’t seen Jackson since he came home and can’t believe the progress he’s made.  He’s a trooper and I keep telling him he’s a strong, courageous pup and I’m so proud of him.

I think if Jackson had a voice he would say something like this…”thanks maw for taking care of me, I’m sorry it was such a long couple of days after my surgery, but I’m so glad you comforted me, fed me, washed me, healed me and were there for me during this difficult time.  I’m so thankful that you are here for me now and that you are watching over me making sure I’m going to be alright”.