The spirit is strong, but the body is weak…

2/24/16

I’m trying to continue to be strong and positive, however in the last month it is getting harder for me remain this way the more I see Jackson become weak in his legs.   I question if the Zoledronate is working and I can’t seem to get clear answers from our oncologist re: outcome measures, except that we’ll see improvement in his pain management.  He’s supposed to get his 3rd IV next Saturday and I’m questioning whether or not to proceed with this course of treatment.  What’s the alternative’s? – Nothing at this point.

His right front leg which is supposedly where the cancer has spread to is getting more lame by the day and it seems he’s lost a lot of muscle mass, making it hard for him to walk on it.  The leg almost appears lifeless at times and he seems to just use it to for balance when trying to walk on his 2 left legs.  Also, his only back leg is getting lame now too and at times seems to give out on him, so he just sits down and waits for me to help him up with his harness. Thank God for the harness, I don’t know what I would do without it, even though my lower back is definitely paying the price for helping Jackson in/out of the car and up/down the stairs it has been a godsend in this process. He seems to be tolerating the pain med’s which is good, but I wonder if they are enough and if he is in pain.  I know in the past he’s been a stoic boy not wanting me to see that he is in pain and I know the tell-tale signs of pain, but still I’m not convinced he’s in more pain.  Is this bad of me to try to convince myself otherwise?

I know I’m doing this for him (continuing forward with treatment options) and obviously for me too, but at what cost and at what point do I decide enough is enough?  My vet told me about a month ago when I thought the time had come that I would know…he’d stop eating and other bodily functions would stop working…so I know we aren’t there yet!  Jackson’s appetite is better now than before he had cancer and he’s alert sitting in the yard and chewing sticks all examples of living life.  However, most days are spent sleeping on his bed as he continues to adjust his posture and position throughout the day to get comfortable. I’m still bringing him to work most days and have to help him up/down the stairs, but he seems to enjoy being with me, next to me and just being.

How much is he continuing on for me?  I hate the idea of losing him and so I continue to have these thoughts a couple time a week and I continue to talk to him asking him to show me a sign that tells me he’s going to be ok and all of this is ok too.